Here's irony for you ... me, sitting at my desk, reading the current Shape magazine, while eating a Culvers Butterburger Cheese Value Basket (Butterburger Cheese with the works, french fries, and a medium Pepsi = 1000 calories).
So naturally, near the end of the magazine and last greasy fry, I'm feeling bloated, queasy, and depressed. There is a bit of redemption, however ... the last article in the magazine, "Time Out" by Melina Gerosa Bellows. She writes about the relationship between yo-yo dieting and weight fluctuation and personal happiness and peace within herself. 99% of her article struck me in a personal way. I too use eating as a coping mechanism for dealing with my issues - financial woes, struggling as a single mother, temptation/sin ... I have this perception that if I were thin, my life would be perfect. I would be successful in all that I attempted. People would look up to and admire me, and there would be nothing I couldn't conquer. Truth is, eating represses the depressed/loser feelings, and gives me a false sense of happiness. Take away the food, and all I'm left with is the icky stuff. It's no wonder that I would drown my sorrows with a bag of chips and salsa, a bag of Oreos and milk, or whatever else was easily within my reach, then distract myself from what was really bothering me with the latest diet or exercise plan.
Like Melina Gerosa Bellows, I suffer from the Good Girl Syndrome. I want to be the perfect mother, daughter, employee, friend, neighbor ... I give so much to others, that I'm left over with the crumbs at the bottom of an empty bag of chips.
I need to learn to put my needs and desires first, instead of always dead last. I need to start taking time for myself. My children are 5 and 9. They know where the refrigerator is, where to find clean underwear, how to put in a video in the VCR. I need to learn that I deserve time to myself. I deserve to soak in a tub full of pretty scented beauty products ... to splurge on a cute pair of shoes or handbag.
The sarcastic me says "Easier said than done." Which is true. But if I don't start believing in myself and taking care of myself, who will?
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